The Tripod

Dear Tripod staff and staffets,

I submitted an article to you several months ago which you never published but promised you would. You may not have understood it or wanted to run it because it was both funny and well written. I realize you were forced to withdraw the incredibly funny "humor(less)" section; the unthinkable amount of riotous laughter which bellowed through the Grand Reading Room on Tuesday nights caused a disturbance that was so far beyond anyone's imagination (as well as the realm of actuality) that you had no other choice but to pull the section just so people could get their work done and go on to graduate and find lucrative careers. I completely understand. I would much rather attempt the Oh so challenging crossword puzzle consisting of clues about activities during the weekend (4 Across: the beverage that claims to be all natural which at the end of the night will make you do only what's natural… in bed) or the brain teasing Japanese inspired puzzle known as sudoku which you run on the rare occasion.

Better still are those full-page pictures you guys love to print of people doing something just plane craaaaazy (like a group of girls who are the Tripod editor's best friends pictured drinking a few sixers of Mikes Hard Pink Lemonade and a bottle of 99 Bananas while dressed in really shameful costumes before heading out to a themed party at one of Trinity's illustrious fraternities (omg, like, the best night of my life)). Now that is news worth turning page 5 (of 12) for. Also, you guys should consider enlarging the font of the text so that you can fit even less articles in each issue (another great trick is making the periods and commas font 18 or 20; this will lengthen your newspaper a substantial amount without anyone noticing (people probably wont notice the change because no one with any self-respect, integrity, or brain function reads the Tripod anyways))

Now I am going to be perfectly blunt with you people (inept writers and editors who exhibit such an astoundingly offensive lack of astuteness when deciding which articles you are going to publish that a throng of lemurs, if given an extra week, could produce something of equal or higher literary value) who I am perturbed by and not at all mad at; I worked hard on the article I passed along to you with the expectation that you would recognize its creativity and decide to showcase it to the world (of 2500 semi-drugged out students). I have (no) faith that this article will be published (because you are so concerned about preserving a perfectly inoffensive and politically correct image that you refuse to risk dipping your proverbial toe in the hot tub because you are afraid you might get burned). Therefore, I will staple it to every Tripod myself to ensure that the people of this fine institution realize the crimes against the creative spirit you have committed.

With the utmost sincerity,

Benjamin J. Bernstein '10

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