The Tripod

There are many topics which demand my urgent attention in this column; the economy, health care, foreign policy, personal liberties, and the elections, just to name a few. I also owe a general explanation of my libertarian ideas, and this is certainly forthcoming. However, now I am compelled to put all of these issues aside in order to sound the alarm about a threat that supersedes all of these workday concerns: the coming zombie apocalypse.

According to a recent study by researchers at the University of Ottawa, zombies clearly represent a threat to the very survival of the human species. In fact, the study concluded that the zombie outbreak can only be checked if we "hit them hard and hit them often," and that "it's imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly." The scientists focused on classical, "slow-moving" (scientifically named tardigrade) zombies, the only type for which there is substantial historical documentation. Despite the fact that individual zombies of this type pose little threat (they are easily outrun), their danger comes from the epidemiological characteristics of their plague, which is what the study examines. The zombie plague has the same rapid rate of spread and high lethality of the most dangerous ebola strains, but is unique in that every infected continues to spread the disease until it is decapitated, and the infected actively seek out others to infect. Once a critical mass of people is infected, any hope of defeating the plague before it wipes out the vast majority of humanity is lost as the birth rate of new humans is rapidly overtaken by the positive feedback loop going into the rate of people converted into zombies. As such, extreme measures must be taken within a short period of time after an outbreak is recognized. In order to make this rapid reaction possible, we must have resources and a plan pre-positioned. We must be as well prepared as we can be, as the survival of the species depends upon it. Some people may argue that there has never been a confirmed case of a person being killed by a zombie, but there also isn't any evidence linking autism with childhood vaccinations, and every responsible parent still knows not to give their child too many vaccines at once.

As much as I hate to admit it, when it comes to zombies there is no adequate free-market solution. The uncertain nature of the threat means that no private corporation would risk its money on a market that may never mature. However, by bringing the full power of the government to bear on the problem we may rest assured that any outbreak can be controlled. By taxing funeral home and burial services, we can raise funds for the preparations while simultaneously directing the public towards more "anti-green" ("green" referring to the stereotypical zombie skin color) burial options such as cremation. Like the incandescent lightbulb, cemeteries must soon become a thing of the past. We may have to increase deficit spending in order to effectively counter the threat, but this is justified because the zombie apocalypse could completely destroy the economy. Fortunately any harm to the economy caused by increased taxation and spending will be limited, as the unemployed will be able to go to the government for anti-green jobs. Indeed, millions of youths unable to find an entry-level job because of private investment being crowded out by government borrowing (in careers that would have been of little use against zombies anyway, it should be noted) can instead become civil servants, specifically trained to guard against the zombie onslaught. Alternatively, the government could subsidize private industry, in order to make this seemingly profitless industry profitable (following the example of the market for not-farming wheat, which has developed so nicely courtesy of the esteemed Senators from Iowa). These subsidized industries would have to be tightly regulated, to ensure all of the money was being used in preparation to fight zombies, and none was wasted through fraud or excessive executive compensation.

The nature of the plague is that if it manages to take hold anywhere in the world, it is already almost certainly too late to stop it. The United States, in order to ensure its national security, must therefore be ready to operate anywhere in the world in order to quash any outbreaks quickly. But our tank divisions, submarines, and stealth fighters will be of little use against individual zombies, especially if they are mixed in with the uninfected public, or if they are an isolated few out in the wilds. Making matters worse, even our allies in Europe can hardly be relied upon to take the decisive action needed to stave off extinction, let alone such backwaters as Somalia or Haiti. Therefore, we must establish bases in every part of the world, so that American soldiers will be able to respond to any threat immediately and with great effect. If we fail to establish such a front line, then banning all travel into the United States would be the only possible option; but if our border is not completely sealed, a very small number of infected might gain entry, which would ruin everything.

We must act immediately. The zombie apocalypse could occur at any moment. If we wait even a few days to debate the necessary measures, or even the true nature and extent of the threat, we may be doomed. Indeed, there are many signs that the end times will be soon. Some people might point to the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012. Those people must also be the same group of people gullible enough to think Pixar's Up was genuinely emotional. More disturbing is the increased presence of the undead in our popular culture, as if we collectively sense something coming. Many people are now so afraid of the zombie apocalypse that they have taken to stockpiling weapons and ammunition, as evidenced by the vastly increased demand and reported shortages in the last year. Zombies are not just another ethereal threat that will never materialize. Those who warn of the dangers of zombies are not just another special interest group angling to swindle the taxpayer of some of their hard-earned money. The threat is so total, we must start to re-evaluate every aspect of our society to address zombies. Everything from architecture (we need to start building on stilts) to education (home economics and shop in public high schools should be replaced with basic survival and combat courses) needs to be transformed. We must be ready, no matter the cost.

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